What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
