did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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