she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We got so high we made milksteak
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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