i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
