Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
