tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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