we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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