At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just want nice things and good sex
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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