i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My vagina is officially offended.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
