You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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