3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
