I just saw a hot homeless man
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
