my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
