Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
