I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
