Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
