It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
