My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We are two peas in an std pod
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
