i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
