from now on my penis is your penis
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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