Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
