You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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