I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
