Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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