the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
