I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
