My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
