Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
