Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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