the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
