Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
