My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
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