chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
