I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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