Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.