Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
