I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
