smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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