I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize