She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
