you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
