Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
