wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
