help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
