I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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