i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
