This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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