If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
