Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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