just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize