my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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