You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
