I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize