So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
