I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
