I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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