I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
