You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
