If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
