Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
it glows. i had to have it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
