And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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