Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
