There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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