dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
