Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
