Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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